Ok, usually I do this one handed, although the eight-year-olds can do it no-handed...


Oh, hello again! I just thought I might impart a few lessons that I have learned here in the lovely, trucker-paradisaical city I am in in Zambezia. Ok, here we go!

One) If they say it is coconut cake, that doesn't mean it is.
One day I stumbled on a delicious little sweet bread that was coconut and since then I have asked every vendor of breadish things if they are coconut, and most times (since many people selling bread-like things sit together) the person I ask will say no, and then I start to leave and another person will say yes and I will buy it, only to find out later that it is not coconut. It is just flour cake. That's what people call cake that literally has no kind of flavoring. I think they feel me out, whether I want it to be coconut or not, and then change their answer depending on how I react. I have lost most of my faith in responses, which doesn't seem to stop me from buying more sweet breads and trying to find that illusive coconut cake.

Two) Never ask an entire group of kids their names.
This is because when you ask an entire group, their names are likely to be hard to remember because they are not names you are used to, and then they know your name and when you see the kids next, you will not (that is a near guarantee) remember theirs, and then you feel like a jerk. Just a big, foreign, confused and confusing jerk woman. Lesson to be learned? Ask one kid one at a time, or don't ask at all.

Three) Always add twenty-four hours to the estimate.
So far, Mozambican-time has taken on a new meaning. My few experiences with approximated deadlines or meeting-times or construction-times have all left me with the belief that in Mozambique, everyone just adds a day onto things. So if that work meeting is scheduled for 7:30 am, make it 8:30 am the next day. The government electrician? I would add a solid 26 hours on to the appointed time. An informal work contract? Don't even attempt, because that would be silly and fruitless.

Four) One can never escape Michigan.
In two weeks, in my city alone, I have seen two Michigan ( Go Blue and Maize!) shirts. One was being sported by a man that certainly seemed to know he was lookin' good. That, along with the presence of Kellogg brand cereal and cereal-crumbs (Corn Flake crumbs make that chicken you just killed extra delicious) has made it apparent that either Michiganian tastes are oddly similar to Mozambican tastes, or Michigan is making its way in the world. Or, possible, Michiganders donate a lot of clothing.

Five) Never try to use anything to its fullest extent.
This is, for now, reserved for electrical appliances. I add this, because my power was out for at least two days due to the fact that I attempted to use both hotplates on my electric stove-top. I know, I know. A rooky mistake and certainly one I will not be making again. But at least I learned that I can start a charcoal fire, and that I cannot use my stove as it was made to be used, otherwise mysterious things will happen and all the electricity will flee.

Six) Vigilance.
This one is simple. I was walking in the market area one day, minding my own business and thinking about a straw mat that I wanted to buy. Walking in a fairly wide street and with a look of determined bargaining on my face seemed to beg for someone to sexually harass me. Which they did. Swatted the ol' bum, they did. Which just goes to show that a person can never be too vigilant about their personal bubble. I need to fashion mine out of titanium, I think. And until then, I will now never let my guard down, or my purse to stray from covering up my butt.

Seven) When life hands you two bathrooms, politely decline.
That is what I have. Two bathrooms. And it sounds nice, but really it is just a silly waste of space. If I used them both as bathrooms, I would be using twice the amount of water to flush, and I just don't like carrying water THAT much. And as far as using one as storage or a pantry goes, the toilet and inconveniently placed sink-hole, along with the inability to take the door off its hinges put that plan to its death. So, I am sure someone can make lemonade out of this packet of Crystal Light, but I am not that person.

Eight) If you steal something, just keep walking.
Really. I saw a boy steal a man's hat from the road. The man was on a motorcycle and he was stopped and was fixing it or tinkering with it before he went back for the hat, and in that time a boy stole it. The man yelled at him and even pursued him, but the boy just kept walking and that was that. The man physically touched him, but since the boy didn't just give it back, the man gave up. Just like that. So the next time I want that nice, solid bookcase I may just test the theory. If I keep walking, will they do anything?


I think that about wraps it up for now. Until next time, remember: you can't start a charcoal fire by putting charcoal on a plastic bag and then setting the bag on fire. Sadly...

Estou a pedir sua casa. (I am asking for your house)

A View from the Top... actually a view between the metal bars on my veranda.

It has been so long since I filled you in on what is happening that I don't really know where to start. So, I am going to write down my impressions of my community at random and hopefully it will make sense or occur to me in some kind of order. Ready? Ok! (By the way, have I told you that ok is used here and translates to ok, but is usually accompanied by some kind of grunt?)

1)I had communicated my concerns about living with a manual-flush toilet in the house before, and I am happy to report that I had every right to be concerned. I have not one, but two manual-flush toilets which not only use a LOT of water to properly flush, but smell very bad very quickly when you do not properly flush them. A common thought in the mornings for me these days is “Where is my latrine?” If only I could build one... wait a minute...
2)I have seen a woman walking around town in a sexy witch costume that I am pretty sure I saw either at a Meijer, or in the Oriental Trading Catalogue. Either way, she was sportin it with a pretty good attitude. About thirty minutes later, I saw a man wearing what I can only assume was originally the accompanying hat. On a man. And it was sunny, so I can't imagine why he wouldn't wear it. And now we all know what happens when someone donates a Halloween costume to a clothing drive that benefits Africa. It gets sold to unsuspecting Mozambican citizens who then wear what cannot be very comfortable costuming as daily-wear.
3)My village may or may not be a glorified truckstop. Come sundown, which is at about six pm over here, and only getting earlier as the summer starts to wane, trucks pull over for the night. This means that the market has a few more choices, and the area is a little more built up, but also it means that I should be inside my house by sundown. Truckers attract a lot of, shall we say, unsavory, informal business ventures that usually involve women.
4)I have seen goats in places that one would never expect to see a goat. Tied up to the back of a bicycle. On top of a semi-truck fully loaded with lumber. And skinned, about five feet away from me in the middle of a neighborhood on the side of the path.
5)Twenty liters of water is not as heavy as it would seem to be. That is the amount the container holds that I haul my water in, and I heave that thing right on up to my head. It is all an illusion, I think, since the actual action is pretty easy, but it looks so tough. However, doing it has earned me a little street-cred with the local ladies around the pump. They laughed the first few times, and I think by now I am being accepted as just one of the gang.
6)I do not pay for the electricity used by my bathroom lights. This is a recent revelation, and an exciting one. One night I was preparing to cook some tortillas, to accompany the beans I had made that afternoon, for dinner and was foolish enough to think I could have BOTH burners of my little stove on at the same time. Silly me. Something happened and the stove made a pop and then the electricity in my house went out. The box that controls is is turned off and nothing works... excepting the bathroom lights! And since the box is how I buy my electricity (it is prepaid, like most things here, and I just buy credit and type in a code on the box and it credits my house), then the fact that the bathroom lights work means that I don't pay for it! Hello, twenty-four hour toilet illumination!
7)Fist-sized spiders DO exist! And, thanks to the genius that put in a drop ceiling in this crazy duplex in Mozambique (now we know why drop-ceilings weren't part of the traditional housing here), I have what I can only assume is a good-sized nest or infestation of them above my bed, kitchen, clothing, everything. I am almost positive they live up there, since about every other night one seems to drop down from the ceiling onto the ground, and skitter haphazardly around the room until I kill it. I think they get a bit groggy from the drop, which is why they almost drunkenly wander around from thing to thing, never climbing the walls, and it is also why I can kill them. The entire situation is pretty gross.
I take my leave with this little ruby of wisdom I saw on the t-shirt a boy was wearing:
Bangs Are Sexy