Friday, January 1, 2010



Ok, usually I do this one handed, although the eight-year-olds can do it no-handed...



Oh, hello again! I just thought I might impart a few lessons that I have learned here in the lovely, trucker-paradisaical city I am in in Zambezia. Ok, here we go!

One) If they say it is coconut cake, that doesn't mean it is.
One day I stumbled on a delicious little sweet bread that was coconut and since then I have asked every vendor of breadish things if they are coconut, and most times (since many people selling bread-like things sit together) the person I ask will say no, and then I start to leave and another person will say yes and I will buy it, only to find out later that it is not coconut. It is just flour cake. That's what people call cake that literally has no kind of flavoring. I think they feel me out, whether I want it to be coconut or not, and then change their answer depending on how I react. I have lost most of my faith in responses, which doesn't seem to stop me from buying more sweet breads and trying to find that illusive coconut cake.

Two) Never ask an entire group of kids their names.
This is because when you ask an entire group, their names are likely to be hard to remember because they are not names you are used to, and then they know your name and when you see the kids next, you will not (that is a near guarantee) remember theirs, and then you feel like a jerk. Just a big, foreign, confused and confusing jerk woman. Lesson to be learned? Ask one kid one at a time, or don't ask at all.

Three) Always add twenty-four hours to the estimate.
So far, Mozambican-time has taken on a new meaning. My few experiences with approximated deadlines or meeting-times or construction-times have all left me with the belief that in Mozambique, everyone just adds a day onto things. So if that work meeting is scheduled for 7:30 am, make it 8:30 am the next day. The government electrician? I would add a solid 26 hours on to the appointed time. An informal work contract? Don't even attempt, because that would be silly and fruitless.

Four) One can never escape Michigan.
In two weeks, in my city alone, I have seen two Michigan ( Go Blue and Maize!) shirts. One was being sported by a man that certainly seemed to know he was lookin' good. That, along with the presence of Kellogg brand cereal and cereal-crumbs (Corn Flake crumbs make that chicken you just killed extra delicious) has made it apparent that either Michiganian tastes are oddly similar to Mozambican tastes, or Michigan is making its way in the world. Or, possible, Michiganders donate a lot of clothing.

Five) Never try to use anything to its fullest extent.
This is, for now, reserved for electrical appliances. I add this, because my power was out for at least two days due to the fact that I attempted to use both hotplates on my electric stove-top. I know, I know. A rooky mistake and certainly one I will not be making again. But at least I learned that I can start a charcoal fire, and that I cannot use my stove as it was made to be used, otherwise mysterious things will happen and all the electricity will flee.

Six) Vigilance.
This one is simple. I was walking in the market area one day, minding my own business and thinking about a straw mat that I wanted to buy. Walking in a fairly wide street and with a look of determined bargaining on my face seemed to beg for someone to sexually harass me. Which they did. Swatted the ol' bum, they did. Which just goes to show that a person can never be too vigilant about their personal bubble. I need to fashion mine out of titanium, I think. And until then, I will now never let my guard down, or my purse to stray from covering up my butt.

Seven) When life hands you two bathrooms, politely decline.
That is what I have. Two bathrooms. And it sounds nice, but really it is just a silly waste of space. If I used them both as bathrooms, I would be using twice the amount of water to flush, and I just don't like carrying water THAT much. And as far as using one as storage or a pantry goes, the toilet and inconveniently placed sink-hole, along with the inability to take the door off its hinges put that plan to its death. So, I am sure someone can make lemonade out of this packet of Crystal Light, but I am not that person.

Eight) If you steal something, just keep walking.
Really. I saw a boy steal a man's hat from the road. The man was on a motorcycle and he was stopped and was fixing it or tinkering with it before he went back for the hat, and in that time a boy stole it. The man yelled at him and even pursued him, but the boy just kept walking and that was that. The man physically touched him, but since the boy didn't just give it back, the man gave up. Just like that. So the next time I want that nice, solid bookcase I may just test the theory. If I keep walking, will they do anything?


I think that about wraps it up for now. Until next time, remember: you can't start a charcoal fire by putting charcoal on a plastic bag and then setting the bag on fire. Sadly...

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